So, ignore the post before last entirely...

Move out of my squat style wreck of a house.     

• Move to London.           MOVING IN 13 DAYS
• Get a job in London.            BECAUSE I HAVE A JOB THERE
• Work as a live in au pair or housekeeper.       AS AN AUPAIR
• Stay single.    ......unfortunately achieved.                       
• Learn to drive.                  .....yeah yeah, can't win them all...
• Lose weight.         .....*cough cough* what now?

As is typical in my life, as soon as I settled my mind on any course of action, get cosy with a man, (albeit with blindfolds and ropes involved) get used to a new job, start booking driving lessons... BADA BOOM BADA BING.
I'm offered a job in London. Well. Not like I'd been looking for 4 months of anything, now was it?!
Which means I now won't be free to travel across America with G and her boyfriend come the spring.
So we made a mini roadtrip to Scotland last week instead.
Where we saw things like this:

which was just lovely.

And yes, Scar, I am trying to distract you from the bits you probably secretly want to know more about.

The boy and I didn't work out as a couple.

We tried the whole me being in charge thing. It was a shaky start. Particularly once he was tied up, and I decided ice would be a good idea. Cue, untie naked man, he puts pants on, nearly falls over, goes downstairs, comes back, gets naked, 'er, there wasn't any ice.'

'No ice? Oh. Now what?'

'We don't use ice?'

'NO! My devious plans work best with ice!'

'......There was a ribena lolly......'

'Fetch it for me! Off you pop, good boy!'

Boy puts pants back on, falls over properly, goes downstairs, fetches ice lolly, returns, gets naked, and we continue.

With me occasionally (OK, frequently) coming out of character to say things like 'you OK?'..... 'you sure?' 'oh, fuck, I've got ice cream everywhere', 'oops' and just getting the giggles.

Then, underneath the sound of merry spanking, the boy's housemate who only speaks Chinese starts rapping on the door.

*we freeze*

whisper 'what do we do?'

'Ignore it. She'll go away...'

'I think she knows we're awake, Boy.....'

*more rapping*

'You go.'

'I'm topless!'

'Er.....*boy gestures to himself - naked, covered in semi frozen blackcurrent goo, candle wax (oh yeah, I went all out...) and with his hands bound above his head*'

'Well, she's your housemate! (technically not even that - his housemate's Mum. Who lives in his housemate's room. It's weird, and we never question it.)

We spent another few seconds hoping she'd go away, but, she continued to knock in an insistent fashion and started calling his name.

Then we spent minutes getting him untied and presentable to face her. Made more sense for him to go, as I really don't speak Chinese. And the boy, while he's not fluent, seems to get by quite well with a rudimentary sign language punctuated with 'aaaaaah, ok, I seeeee'

Turned out she wanted to give him his phone, which he'd left downstairs and was vibrating. She didn't make any comment (or hand gesture) about the spanking noises or squeals. Which was a relief.

So, the initial night, Chinese disturbance aside, went quite well.

The next morning, we managed to have a massive fight, and decided we just weren't suited as a couple.

However, we decided to salvage the best bits, and just be friends who can go to bed together and cuddle up. He's the little spoon.

 And it suits me just fine.

It's like a relationship, but I haven't had to shave my legs in a month.

So... maybe like marriage 7 years in...