Having a spanking good time.....

Why is it that men like to spank my arse during sex? What is it with the spank?

I'm not talking kinky sex. Just sex sex. The regular vanilla kind.

It doesn't matter on the man. It's never who you expect to be wanting to make with the happy slappy... 'Normal Joe' (the date so boring I fell asleep on) did it, lovely man does it....the list could go on embarrassingly long, so.. suffice to say, men like the spanks. And I'm not saying I'm against it.. but.. sometimes.. sometimes these things need to be in context.

These slap-happy singles show no other signs of being kinky, or in anyway open to the idea of getting down and dirty beyond the normal 'hey look! Naked parts! Let's bump them together!' level of lustfulness.

They aren't kinky. They aren't dominant men. They have no idea what they want to do with me, and they sure as hell aren't talking dirty, not even stuttering dirty, in fact generally not even talking and yet, in the middle of a very suburban, regular, simple bout of sex...

'thwack'.

A single smack on the rump happens.

It doesn't seem to matter what approach I take to dealing with the wayward palm, it just happens. I've tried everything. Doesn't matter if I coo, writhe, and wriggle into it, or groan (sexily or otherwise), or giggle, or spank them back, or freeze and look at them with a raised eyebrow, talk anger issues, or remain utterly impassive and/or fix them with a stony stare, make the sign of the cross, or run to the cupboard and get out all the whips and chains shouting 'let's PLAY!'. It doesn't make a difference. Not even a combination of all of them all at the same time.

'Thwack'.

There it goes.

Two minutes later....

'Thwack'.

Another minute and oh! It's that time again! Time for a little...

'Thwack'.

It's not as if I have a smackable arse. I was never blessed with hips or bum - I have the shoulders of a quarterback, I have a pretty generously proportioned rack, (which gets totally overlooked - seriously - what does a girl have to do to find herself a boob fetishist rather than a butt-man? Maybe it's just fashion - cleavage was so last decade. It's all about the buns.) but below the waist? Nothing. Nada. Ziltch. If there is a god, it's as though they started at the top, but got bored and slacked off the job half way though. I'm not quite finished on the hip development. Not even started. I can't wear low slung belts, they end up around my knees because there is no hip flare or buttock bulge to work against gravity. Which means there's also no padding when I fall over my newly styled knee beltage. Which means ouchies.

It's like Becky (saviour of the blogesphere) at steam me up, kid says describing a friend -

"She has junk in her trunk, I like to stash mine away where pirates will never find it: mostly upper arms, tummy, and inner thighs." (***i can't find the post the quote is from... I WILL find it...)

Becky, I hear ya. Ain't no junk in this trunk either. I've got the bingo wings of a 40yr old washer woman, but no butt. My bootie is booty-lacking. Not booty-licious.

And yet....

'Thwack'.

*quizzical look*

'Thwack'.

For no discernable reason. No particualar moment. It's not an incontrollable climatic thing (in which case it would be written 'thwack!!!' or maybe 'thwack thwack thwack.. thwack...oohhh... THWACK!!!!!!') There's no 'you like that?' or 'do you mind?' or 'ooh, what a peachy bum', or 'faster' or 'I hate you and wish to cause you pain'

Just.....

'thwack'.

And I for one would like to know what the response for this is meant to be.