The people I (probably) won't be dating: Part 2. The internet.

So, I'm back on the internetty shelf.

'Dating'.

By the virtue of being female and not looking like an utter troll, I'm having to clear out my inbox of dating site messages 200 at a time.
Unfortunately, only about 2% are worth reading beyond the first sentence - if there IS more than one sentence that is, as an unsurprising amount of emails are one-line wonders from utterly unsuitable men, this despite me adding to my profile that I'm a fan of intellect, can be a grammar nazi, and

 sorry, I don't respond well to messages in text-speak, or ones that start (and finish) with 'hi babe wanna chat'....EDIT: No punctuation, NO response. 

 still. There they are. Rolling in. Without punctuation. Here's some examples of the men who due to their opening gambit, I shall not be touching with a bargepole. Unless possibly, the bargepole is on fire, and they're doused in petrol.
And yes, these are the emails IN THEIR ENTIRETY.

1. hi their (this guy sent me the same message twice in 2 days. Didn't pause to consider grammar either time.)
2. Hey how you doing? Your right you are a walking attraction with those dredz! But i sopose it what makes you unquie :) (Spelling? What now? Spelling?)
3. Raaaaaaaaaaaaar!
4. Duck herding sounds like fun quak quak quak lol have you ever played the duck song game? You have to quak a song and the other person has to guess the song sounds rubbish but is super fun :)  (OK, so, I may have opened myself up to oddballs by suggesting duckherding as a date, but seriously people, PUNCTUATE! And never LOL at me.)
5. Hey :)
   Im Ant x (hi. I'm unimpressed.)
6. love ur look
7. hay hi fancy a chat sometime, xxxxxxxxxx  (from a man dressed as a sexy woman in a serious way. The cross dressing tempted me, I have to be honest. But my email standards won.)
8. wow u so sexy!!!
9. Its really good picture of yours, just wondering Is that your real hair? (no, clearly I stole it.)
10. Hey :o) You sound fun. Are you into music?x (oh, ffs.)
11. hi how are you how is your week going x (better before your email)
12.  like u r style, your a hippy babe right (is that even a sentence, or just words in a line?)
13. Impressed about your pics .
    Creative with some ink , would you let me practice my tattoo skills on you? x (er, no?)
    
14. Morning me cute lady xxx hws ur day going on so far xx had a lill peek on ur profile n i ws jst wandering if u wld mind if i do ask u on a date me cute lady xx :-) xxx (yes, I would mind. Hugely. Now run away before I fetch the guard.)
15. Nice girl :) (Idiot boy. *faceplant*)
16. Hey (.........?.............)
17. I'm not going to lie I skim read most of it but i did like the first 5 lines and the conversation at the end. (....????.... seriously? You expect me to be interested?)
18. hey hey how you?xx
19. u a hippy chick lov the look proper rock chic xxxxxxxxxxxx
20. Hey babe, your beautiful... i was wondering if your into black guys? cause id love to get to know you xxx (....this one I actually replied to...... 

    "I'm not into guys who make an issue of their race. It's  skin. I like men. I don't care about brown/blonde hair, or  blue or green eyes. why would I care how much melanin is in  someone's skin? If you're only interested because I'm a 'white' girl....  forget it.".......................funnily enough, he didn't reply...)

There were more, but everytime I sign on to the site to go through my old messages (most of which got the delete button halfway through....) I get 5 new messages come in, and frankly, I have enough to handle right now... if Mr.Right is currently trying to get in touch... he'll have to wait. I have a list of 5 Mr.He-might-be-ok's to thoroughly vet before I go through anymore!


The vetting process is now incredibly important, having gone on a spontaneous date without chatting to the guy first the other day.
Amongst other things, he....

•  sang me the Tigger song (with a lisp, and all the actions, and not in an ironic way)
• referred to himself in the 3rd person (ie. "Jasons' don't like that")
• tried to touch my face repeatedly having just been told I have a phobia of face touching.

When I've recovered from my 2 weeks of dating 6 people simultaneously, I shall blog the best (and worst) bits of it. Until then, I'm going to sleep.
And leave you with this email I received from a 'large' gentleman who's picture made me shudder (not in a good way....

that is one amazing picture,i wanna live in that picture,marry it and rais a family of tiny pictures

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!