I had a lovely second date with a very lovely man. It was a date I very nearly cancelled due to the sudden arrival on the morning of said date of a coldsore. What a lovely surprise that one was. Instead of cancelling, I owed up to having face-AIDS (herpes’ OFFICIAL name) and had the following conversation with the lovely man:
Me: I have a cold sore. so, this is going to be a date where we don’t kiss.
Him: I’m not scared. I’m man enough. I’ve never had a coldsore. I like to try everything once - It might be fun!
Me: No, it won’t. You do not want a coldsore.
Him: It’ll be totally worth it!
Me: No, you DO NOT WANT THIS! In fact, the only way I’m only going to kiss you is as a punishment if you REALLY annoy me and I think you deserve a life-long virus and a fat lip.
Him: how annoying do I have to be?
Me: you’d have to really annoy me. Like, break a window.
Him: I’m going to set your house on FIRE!
Me: *sigh*
In a rare triumphant moment for my willpower, I did manage to not kiss him. Nearly imploded with the effort, (he IS a LOVELY man), but I didn’t kiss him. Not even in the morning. (because, yes, he did stay over, and yes, I do have sex on the first date. And second.)
Willpower = epic win
Body’s performance = epic fail.
I’m running out of way of keeping my body in check. For the past 4 or 5 months I’ve felt constantly slightly ‘off’ , which, at first, I put down to being single for the first time in two years and therefore slightly confused about everything in general, having re-emerged onto the dating scene again, blinking and trembling like a new born foal. However, I’m not one to dwell and have decided I should really be over things by now and ready to function like the adult I actually (supposedly) am.
So, the fact that my body refuses to behave is starting to annoy me just a little bit. Just to give you a quick idea of the kind of nemesis I’m up against, here’s a section of the running conversation my body and I have:
Me: right, body. We have a big week ahead of us. A really important, stressful, busy week, where we aren’t going to have much time to relax. We’re going to have to be really well rested. Ready for this?
Body: INSOMNIA!
Me: that wasn’t helpful, body. Now we still have to do the busy week without having had any sleep. Lot’s of hard work to do, we’ll just have to power through. We need to be on top form.
Body: FLU!
Me: That really wasn’t funny, body. I appreciate your new venture into irony, but now is NOT the time. Still, we made it. Thank you for not letting me die of flu. And I can tell you’re really trying on the sleeping front. Now maybe we can settle down a bit? I’ve got a date tomorrow, so it’s nice you’re in full working order again. Now, will you behave?
Body: oh, ok then..... *waits til I’m asleep*......COLDSORE!!
Me: .........*looks in mirror*...........small voice*.... I hate you, body.
Body: *evil snigger*
Do you see where I’m coming from now? My body clearly has issues with me being happy/ successful. So, I’ve tried writing to it:
Dear body.
I do not find you amusing in the slightest.
I don’t know why you continue in your campaign of evil against me. Surely you’re getting bored of it by now? Yes, I understand you hate me, but I have accepted this and hoped we could continue our lives together safe in this knowledge without continually having to come to blows over it. I’m aware I may have done some not very nice things to you in the past, but most of these occasions have been accidental, and on the whole I have treated you very well. Please desist in your general mean spirited attacks on my person. Our person. We’re in this together, damnit! Be nice to US! Any more unfunny attacks from you, and I WILL punish you. Badly.
I hope you take this on board and consider improving your behaviour.
Love, Me.
I’ll wait for this formal written warning to sink in, and let you know what happens.
...........waiting.......waiting......... *massive sneezing fit*.................
Me: fuck you, body.
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